I titled this post– without content– more than four months ago. I was in a bad place, and I figured this week would be even harder for me. You see, its the holiday season: a time for joy, love, and family. December, however, has taken many of those things away from me in the past: a grandmother to stroke; a friend to suicide; another friend by car accident; another grandmother due to a rush of reasons I can honestly not name. This year was supposed to be different. This year, December was going to bring me a little bundle of joy.
Life had other plans, though. My bundle was taken away from me in may — a few days before mother’s day, actually. Miscarriage.
Its a common happenstance. Even knowing its commonality –one in four mothers suffer a miscarriage– it still hurt. It continues to hurt.
I ache for the loss of a child I never knew, never felt, and never saw.
I want to be happy. I want to move forward. I want to show the child I have that life is about more than loss.
Grieving isn’t easy.
I write this post, because I know there are others who struggle to be “jolly” this holiday season. That’s okay. Its okay to grieve. People may get frustrated with you, but they’ll get over it. You have the right to grieve, to be angry, to be sad.
You also have the right to be happy. Don’t feel guilty if you aren’t as sad as you expected to be. Don’t feel guilty if this year isn’t as hard as last year. If you can help it, don’t feel sad.
Don’t overthink it… be grateful for your joy.
It is okay.
YOU will be OKAY.